Sex and Spirit
Tell me how to be nice to women and also get my sexual needs met.
I don’t know the rules.
I have developed a philosophy that there are some women you can just sleep with, and forget about them the next day, or within a few days, and there are some women who are the kind you hold on to and engage in a relationship. If I don’t want a relationship, or I don’t feel ready for one of those, is it okay to just sleep around with some people who seem up for it, until I find the right one?
I really need a hard and fast answer on this one. And then I’ll tell a few friends. This is not the kind of question I can ask my mom.
George Robust, age 20
Dear Mr. Robust,
I’m so annoyed that you are asking me this question.
Just because I’m a woman, doesn’t mean I can speak for all women. And yet, I sort of can, too, because women are made a certain way, and yet we defy stereotype, category, definition, and yada yada yada.
Maybe go to Amsterdam and pay for sex? Spend a few months? I don’t know.
Let me go get some more coffee and then I’ll answer you.
* * * *
Okay, so here are the rules.
Both women and men can be assholes. Women can use men for sex, and men can use women for sex. Both genders do this.
Don’t do this.
Don’t use someone for your own pleasure. Don’t make someone a prop who can satisfy your ego or validate your worth, thinking that your sexual worth is linked to your sense of identity, and that by having sexual prowess, you are somehow elevated or more important, or you can pat yourself on the back for being good at something in this life.
Don’t have sex with someone because you want to get back at someone else and “show them.” Just, eww.
Both people have to want to have sex in order to engage in sex. You hear me?
I will admit, sometimes someone says they want to have sex, or they say “okay,” or they give in, but their whole demeanor and body seem to suggest they are not really ready or into it.
Don’t have sex with a person like that. I don’t care how turned on your are, or how much you want to do it, or how long it’s been for you. (See Rule 1 above.)
Don’t go on the hunt trying to find someone to have sex with. Masturbate instead, get whatever is in your system out of your system, and then figure out what sex means to you, and what is underneath your desire for an orgasm (which you can give yourself on your own), and ensure sexual union is about spirits and souls connecting, about union, love, and warmth, without violence.
That leads me to 5.
Let me get clear on this, babe. Sex and violence don’t mix. Sex is about love. It was created as a venue and vessel for love. So there should be no violence involved, and if there is, darling, let’s get you some help with some nice people who won’t judge you but will help you face your shadows and your demons in other ways.
(Some sexual activities are violent and others are not—this is why conversations need to be had, and trust and security built, intentions clear and established, et cetera et cetera.)
If you can’t talk frankly, compassionately, and respectfully about sex with someone you want to have sex with, you should not have sex with that person.
I am sure I could come up with some other rules, but I think 5 works perfectly for now to help you in your journey.
Since you are a young man, and I assume a straight one (though this message goes for all sexual orientations), treat a person well. Listen to her or him. Be affectionate in non-sexual ways. Do nice things to show you care. Show up for her. Do this for anyone who means anything to you, regardless of whether you have had sex with that person or want to have sex with her, or if you consider yourself to be a decent human being at all.
The big problem some people have with regard to sex is that they think it’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Love and hugs,